Sad

I am feeling rather sad and conflicted this am.

Today is the last day I could have renewed my Washington State RN license.

I sat for the exams in 1989, just before moving to California.

After much thought as to where I am going from here, I have decided not to renew my American License,  but will only keep my B.C. License.

It makes me sad because it was something I was proud of.  I sat for the NCLEX and was then eligible to apply for my RN license in California.   After I moved back to Canada, I swapped my California license for a WA state license.

I worked for a number of years, going back and forth over the border to work,  and then - The Accident.

I was schmucked on the freeway by a HUGE dump truck with a full load going 100kms per hour.  I was minding my own business, on my way to my Favorite Uncle's funeral with my Dad and my Mother with me in the car. 

I was in the "slow" lane going the speed limit ....the dump truck was going  a lot faster, and the vehicle in front of him slowed down suddenly.  The driver of the truck decided to swerve into my lane - and hit me off the road.

We were lucky I was able to keep the car upright.  Lucky that it *just happened* to be the small area of roadside that didn't have a sign, a concrete pillar or a water-filled ditch.  Lucky that we didn't roll.  Lucky that we weren't killed. 

I am sure Angels were working hard at that moment, keeping us safe.

My car was totalled.  My dad was in shock - a huge gash on the back of his head where the truck came through.  I was in shock and "forgot" how to open my door to get out of my car. Police arrived on the scene.

Instead of going to my uncle's funeral, we ended up in ER.  My dad and I were checked over.  My mother insisted that she was OK.  We were released and took a cab back home to my house.

I was never able to work L&D again.  My special area of work, the best place in the hospital, the best job in the world -  I could no longer do.  I couldn't lift my arms above my shoulder and I definitely couldn't do any heavy lifting - a "must" for any L&D work.

I kept up hope that perhaps I could go back to work eventually, but after five years of physiotherapy, acupuncture, massage therapy, rehab treatment, heat/cold therapy, strong anti-inflammatories - I tried it all - I realized that I would never work with Moms and Babes anymore.

I kept up my American license "just in case", since it would be fairly easy for me, as the wife of an American citizen, to work across the border, even with the recent changes in the tightening of restrictions.

But, today is the due date - the last day for the dues to be given in.

I wanted to pay it anyway - it certainly doesn't cost much - only $100 compared to the $408 I pay yearly here in B.C. for my Canadian RN License.

I let the time slip by without doing anything.

It's the end of an era, and I am sad that I won't have that American license, but realistically - I will never work in the USA again.   

Not that I really wanted to.   Or would.

I just liked that door left -  cracked open a little - just in case.

Reality is, I am getting to the end of my career and most of it was spent in Canada...and this is where I will be retiring.   The work situation for RNs in the USA are dismal and the type of nursing job I do now is not one that has many openings for in the USA.

So, with a little regret, a touch of sadness and with much conflict in my heart......I leave it behind me.

It is more difficult than I thought it would be.