the IF project....if only......

I have mentioned previously that I had worked in a prison as an RN for a period of time.  I was working with male patients - the worst of the worst, if you get my drift.

I have worked inside those double barbed wire walls of prison with very little protection than a Personal Protection Alarm....and dozens of male prisoners out of their cells and all around me.....

So I am telling you from experience that I am not naive or oblivious to the manipulations and the emotional immaturity in these places.

Prior to my stint as a prison nurse, when I worked in Labor Delivery, we occasionally had an incarcerated patient accompanied by a guard escort.

Photo credit: here for an interesting
article on shackles in L&D

It also wasn't uncommon to be caring for a pregnant woman off the streets, trying to shake their drug addiction -  and on methadone.

My heart went out to these women.

What was it that led to their present situation? I always wondered.

One time - I did ask.

Along with my other new moms, I was assigned a prisoner transferred from the local lockup, admitted for preterm labour.

A quiet withdrawn little thing, she presented as a tiny pathetic figure almost lost in the mountain of covers on her bed.

On one of my patient rounds I rescued a small bunch of flowers that another discharged patient had left behind.  It would have gone in the garbage had I not salvaged it - and I hate waste. 

I picked out the dead and wilted flowers and brought the little freshened-up bouquet into her room.  Placing it on the windowsill where she could see it, I told her that I would leave them for her to enjoy.

The guard glared at me - but my patient was transformed.

Tears in her eyes,  she thanked me profusely - and unnecessarily - for such a small and insignificant gesture.

It was later on during my night shift that she told me  her story:


Her early married life started out as most....very happy,  living an average life in an average family neighborhood doing what most young mothers and wives do. 

Tragically, her husband died and she was left coping with two young children on her own, a mountain of bills to pay - and no job experience.  

She was at a loss to find a way to provide for her children.   At this point, welfare was not an option.  She was too proud to take handouts.

The money she earned at a minimum wage job couldn't pay the bills.  She wrote a couple of bad cheques and ended up in the court system. 

From there it went from bad to worse.   She lost her house.  

To deal with her depression  over her hopeless situation, she turned to alcohol. 

She was involved in an MVA and thereafter became dependent on pain medications prescribed by her MD.  She couldn't afford to drive and couldn't get to any job that would even look at her for employment now she had a record.

The social system took away her children when she became involved with unsavory persons who provided her with living quarters -  the only place she could afford after being turned down by a series of landlords.

Increasingly addicted, one day she changed her prescription for pain medications and was caught by the pharmacy - and the law. 

She went back to court - and then lockup -  and thereafter,  her life became stuck in the revolving door of prison.  

When I met her she was pregnant by an unknown father while prostituting.

Even if only part of her story is true.....how tragic!

Sometimes we look down at these people, thinking how much superior we are....forgetting that but for the grace of God.......

Are these people salvageable?

Statistics are not on their side but as a society, we are behoven to try.

Recently,  girlfriend that works in a different area of the penal system sent me this link:

The If Project:  Essays from women from Washington State Correction State Center for Women.

Over 240 essays written by the women at this prison when they were asked :

 “If there was something someone could have said or done that would have changed the path that led you here, what would it have been?”

The hope was to find out tangible things they could do or say as officers working on the street that could actually work to change a young person's direction in life before it was too late.

If you choose not to click on any of the links above,  please, at least  take a moment to watch this short video and let the women speak for themselves:


The If Project Trailer from The If Project on Vimeo.


I wonder how many of these women, if shown discipline and love... would have ended up in a different place?

This following video is worth a repost:

Can't Change the World....sung by a First Nations gal that was a foster child until a family took her in and cared for her ....and her life was so totally different than it could have been:

A Criminal Element in Nursing

True story.

I had already been nursing for 15 years, living in California when I met a CRNA at the hospital I found employment with.   He was a successful CRNA, owned a gorgeous house in Orinda that he was remodeling and another few rental properties scattered about Contra Costa County.

He lived in a large townhouse in Walnut Creek.  He seemed nice enough, showed interest in me, but I really didn't ever have any interest apart from a friendship and made that quite clear to him from the start. I was going through my own relationship struggles when we met, and he seemed to be someone I could relate to, platonically speaking.

At first.

I was to soon find out that he was more preoccupied with his own problems than empathizing with anyone else's. Over time he divulged the complexities that comprised his life.

His problems were  - legion.

The one time I visited him in his home, he had papers piled in hundreds of stacks all over the floor, the hallways, kitchen counter,  the table.....there was barely a pathway to the kitchen from the front door due to his convoluted filing system, each pile representing a court case or legal concern or action.  I couldn't believe the clutter. 

That was about the time I realized there were more problems than most people could manage in this guy's life.

Well- several months into our friendship, he disclosed that his problems had started when he had a "misunderstanding" with an old girlfriend the previous year and felt he was  "unjustly accused" by her -  and the police.   He told me that he was charged with a "misdemeanor" -  and on the advice of his lawyer he plead no contest "to get rid of the problem".

Turns out he gained access to her apartment by posing as a parcel delivery person and ended up "confining her for 30 to 40 minutes" per the quote from the court documents that I recently discovered online.  Of course, his story at the time did not align with these facts as I just found out. 

Back then it was a challenge to dig out the truth,  and it was even more difficult to equate the accusations with the person I knew at work and socially.

Seems that the court case with the girlfriend issue plus community service caused some disruption with keeping on top of his rentals, which then caused fines which he didn't feel he had to pay, then delays in taxes, tax preparation, then payments not made and so on and so forth and his life became a tangle of loose ends - with him blaming his accountant, his lawyers, the courts, the old girlfriend - everyone but himself for the mess his life had become.

I can honestly say that never saw him as an angry person and I know I pushed his buttons at times.  I challenged him on a few things he said to the point that he should have been angry with me - but wasn't.    Perhaps he learned to hide his darkest ruminations.  But, still, even though I couldn't see the expression of bitterness - it was getting to the point where I could feel a dark oppressive cloud hanging over him and I began to avoid him at work.

Because of court appearances and  community service performed - he missed work - and missed even more payments.  He couldn't concentrate on his renovations to the house.  Contractors put liens on his properties. He couldn't move forward.  He was consumed with all the court filings, notices, delays etc - and that was all he could talk about after a while.

As a CRNA - he could place epidurals like no one else could - and he was very compassionate and patient with the moms no matter how much they would be writhing around in pain. He would be soft-spoken and gentle - always.   He was also polite and gracious with his co-workers. Thoughtful, even.

Because of the incident with his former girlfriend,  his manager had notified the Government Nursing registering body re: the court case - and he was beginning to realize that there was a real possibility that he might even lose his license to practice - and his lively hood -  now that he had a "record". 

I suppose I was a little naive at this point, and because the time I had spent time with this nurse as a friend - with not once seeing any show of hostility on his part - not even one word - I consented - at his request -  to write a letter on his behalf, describing him as I saw and knew him - a good RN, conscientious CRNA and no problems that I had encountered in the one and half years since our acquaintance. 

Quite a few of the other RNs I worked with were of the same opinion and also signed the letter.  I don't believe he ever did anything with it though,  because I see that there was no evidence presented at the hearing that showed support or if he had made an effort to "rehabilitate" himself.

In the last few months I spent in California before moving back to B.C. - I lost track of him, which was just as well.  I had tried to be a friend and his refusal to just let go of the crap had worn me out. Instead of trying to get his life in order, he was making things more complicated.  He mentioned that an accountant was refusing to give him back his paperwork that he needed for his taxes - even after he paid him for work done. 

The last time I saw him he came knocking on my door, asking for the painting he had bought in Hawaii by some famous Disney artist that he had asked me to keep for him.  I asked him how he was doing which led to a 45 minute diatribe on my doorstep that I just didn't want to listen to.  I wasn't willing at that point to do anything more for him.  He could suck the life out of anything living with his negativity.

It was my impression that all he wanted to do was drown in his own ruminations rather than help himself out of his miserable life.

I remember that last chat on my doorstep -  pleading to him - "You have enough money.  You have your pension built up - stashed away (at that point I believe he told me he had almost $100K in his 401K which was a lot back then- especially when you consider that he had another 25 years until retirement) - you could sell all your properties and live debt-free in some little obscure town in a northern state and do well.

Get away from all this drama here. Why go through all this crap - just cut your losses and leave - start fresh where no one knows you.  You don't need this. You aren't going to win.  Just. walk. away. while you can...."

For some reason he couldn't leave it alone.  He wouldn't listen.   He felt "the system" had failed him. He couldn't just walk away.

It would prove to be his undoing.

Apparently, from newspaper accounts my cousin would forward to me in Canada, he got upset with his accountant and broke into his office to "take back his paperwork" being "held hostage".  When he couldn't find his paperwork -  he took the accountant's typewriter. 

He was formally charged with breaking and entering and theft under $500.  In the Court records there are listed no less than 1000 court entries between a dozen or so different parties in those few years in 4 different courts.

This is where it gets really crazy if you don't already think it is....

Days before he was to appear in court, he set fire to the court house to delay his trial.  The trial was moved to another city in Contra Costa County.  To delay another court appearance, he apparently set another fire at the second court house.

Four courthouses were set on fire between  August 28  and September 15th, 1995 causing $14 million in damage.

Someone ID'd a truck fitting the description of that of the CRNA leaving the last fire.  By this time he had been stripped of his license by the California Board of Nursing and his source of income had been stripped from him.  In the articles I read on line, his occupation was listed as a "gardener" and not "RN".

He was questioned and eventually arrested and taken to trial. 

He got the maximum sentence possible -  16 years in the federal corrections system. If my calculations are correct, 2012 is the year he is to be released.......

*******************************

I believe it was  several years after everything had died down that my girlfriend phoned me up to inform me of a letter the gals at the post office in my old home town had put in her box.   It was simply addressed:  "RETIRED,  Small Town, BC, Canada" - and it got to me. 

I hadn't lived in that town for at least 20 years at that point.

My girlfriend over the phone: "Uh, Retired....u have a letter here with a return address from a prison in California". 

Me: "What? Who would I know in prison???" I was busy with my own life and had long forgotten the troubled CRNA I once worked with.

That CRNA had somehow remembered that I had once lived in that town....and addressed it, taking a chance that I would get it.  Because I grew up in that small town, and the same people worked in the local post office and knew I was still close friends with my girlfriend who still had a post box in town.....the letter was deposited in my girlfriend's mailbox.

I asked her to open it and read it to me over the phone.

It was a plea from him for my friendship - he now realized that he had no one.  I guess everyone he knew had abandoned him. He was estranged from his own family.   He had no one and he was reaching out to me....the only person that he felt ever listened to him, I guess.

Sadly, I had nothing to give him.

I often wondered if I could have helped him in any way at all.  Maybe there was something I could have done, or said.....  But I felt I had done all I could a long time ago. If he would have just listened to me then.  If I couldn't convince him back then, how could I ever help him now?

 His decisions put him where he was.  He could have chose to have a pretty nice life somewhere in rural USA, and had himself a peaceful retirement - but he chose instead the situation and the cell he was now in.  There are programs offered in prison and I felt that it was up to him to use those services offered and make the best of it.  I had no room in my life for more problems.

Still, one part of me wondered if one more try could have changed things for him?  Was he really beyond redemption?

I will never know, since I didn't reply to his letter. 

I told my girlfriend to "just throw it away".

RISK - Nursing in a Foreign Land

She was a  Nurse Manager on a unit I worked on at one time, back when we called them  "Head Nurses".  Most of the nurses on the unit didn't really care for her....she was *old fashioned* - and not in a good way, or sensible way.   But - she did have her "posse" that she hung out with and were her "faithful few".

She ruled it MANDATORY that all nurses on her unit were to wear caps! (I didn't even own one)  Also - It was mandatory to wear pantyhose with the uniform-even pant scrubs. Her reasoning? -  to "catch the pubic hairs" when you had to go into the OR - it was a "hygienic" thing she said (although I have no idea what she expected would happen when the alternate-gendered nurses and MDs(both sexes) didn't wear their pantyhose). **

Pink see-through scrub dresses were her choice of scrubs for the unit (crawling up on the bed or bending over was problematic, never mind that one's slip would always ride up and bunch up around the waist with these scrubs-revealing everything).

 She would look down her nose at you if you weren't "somebody" or "wealthy".... although she herself spent money she didn't have like it was water and barely had a pot to piss in due to her extravagant expenditures.

 

In her mind - this is what she thought
the scrubs looked like....

She was judgemental of anyone that didn't spend a fortune on what they wore (as she did),  or didn't socialize in a "particular" social circle(as she attempted to do). 

She would never be caught dead buying anything on sale or going to anything less than a name brand store,  or buying the best..... all while going into debt.  She looked at you in horror if you mentioned Walmart or Target or Dollar Store.

It could possibly be that this enormous debt she piled up with all her outrageous spending caused her to look outside of the country to get her finances in order.

From what I hear....it was a nightmare.

I am thinking she would have carried the same attitude with her as an expat in Saudi Arabia.   I am certain she would not have made very many friends with the way she treated people.   

Apparently she did have one friend there....because it was the friend and herself that got into a whole lot of trouble.

When I travel anywhere, I tend to find out what the laws are and then lay low -  following those laws to the letter.  I also avoid doing anything rashly stupid either.  When in Rome,  they say.....

If one is going to a land that actually punishes the smallest of infractions with cutting off the hand and/or public flogging and quite possibly putting you to death,  sensibility might tell one to refrain from going to that country in the first place.  Especially if one has Attitude and No Common Sense.

I am afraid common sense wasn't a strong suit with this chick.

As the story goes, this nurse and her friend got in trouble for taking photos that they shouldn't have been taking.***  Whatever it was they took photos of,  the "authorities" arrested them, confiscated their cameras and detained them.  



 One of the first things they do when you go to  Saudi to work - they will take away your passport and hold it for you.   So, sans passport and sans contact with the outside world, they were imprisoned. 

They were not allowed contact with anyone.  They did not have access to consulates or other friends or nurses.   They were kept separately in a prison stripped bare of any necessities save maybe a sink and a hole in the ground for a toilet, which to this nurse, was quite an inconvenience I am sure.

For several weeks they were kept in prison - probably one that was a step up from your regular Saudi prisoner but devoid of any niceties.   It was the not knowing what was going to happen to them that ate at them.  They must have been well aware of the possibile consequences.

When you travel to another country, there is only so much that our government can  and will do.  I just got my new passport sent to me from our government and some of the cautions they sent along (an information pamphlet included) are:

1. Your Citizenship offers no immunity
2.  Consular officials do not intervene in private legal matters, do not provide legal advice, do not post bail or pay fines or legal fees.  They do not investigate a crime or death, they do not ask local authorities to give preferential treatment to Canadians.

3.  They do not make travel arrangements, or pay for any expenses, and they do not coordinate and pay for search-and-rescue efforts to locate missing Canadians.

Peeking through the opening through which dinner is served at a Riyadh prison

Basically, they were at the mercy of the Saudi Government.

Luckily for them, due to the Saudi Government's good graces, within a couple months, she was sent home to her country - tail between legs - and unfortunately was given her old job back.  (Question.  Why do they always seem to do that?)

In her absence there was quite the shakeup and major changes made at the hospital back at home.  No longer was it mandatory to wear the white caps.  The pink scrub dresses were still around, but most nurses had switched over to the greens.   She had lost control of *her* crew.  

It didn't take long.....she was ousted quietly from her position....and put in charge of some innocuous area in the hospital where she could do little damage (why do they even bother?).


  I was never so glad as to leave that place for good. 

***************************************************************

**note her evidence based nursing decisions here.....(no need to ask - I am being sarcastic)
***As an aside here, though - I have a couple other nurse friends who have worked in Saudi,  and neither of them say they had any problems whatsoever....and they had taken many photos without incident.   Let's just say that someone ruffled a few feathers of someone with influence....

Prisoners Do Call-Center Work

I am skipping a little ahead of myself by talking about my Prison Nursing stint - passing over my 16 yrs of OB history but this article in our local paper caught my eye, and I just had to comment.

There's a whole lot of wrong about the proposed employment of prisoners to answer phones at call centers in India. The head honcho from Radiant Infosystems- the Indian company initiating this- thinks it's ok but I am not sure I am ready to trust a third world's opinion of who should have access to the public's personal information....especially a society that considers a "dowry murder" to be a "middle class crime" ( new wife killed by her husband or in-laws because her family did not pay enough dowry). A thumbs up for having those "highly-educated and computer-literate petty criminals" above dabble with our info is at the very least, unnerving.

Not only will they work in a brand new call center, initially processing insurance claim forms and bank account applications for Indian clients....but apparently, they will also be sourced out to "handle customer phone calls" for Banks and other customers in the UK and the USA. (you might want to find out which of YOUR companies will be using them)

We are supposed to feel reassured when they state that anyone convicted of fraud or robbery won't be allowed to work the phones. Gee - thank goodness *only* the middle class "murderers and violent criminals" will be talking to us. I am stupefied at this rationalization.... who on earth would ever assume that the sins of these prisoners don't overlap?

And, while we are at it....Since when is it OK to have convicted killers working with potentially sensitive information? When I worked in the prison system, the computers and routine phone access to the outside world were pretty much off limits to I/Ms (inmates). It is mandatory that All STAFF check in any cell phone or other communication devices at the door. Coming to work one walks through a screening device, then sniffed by the occasional drug dog, one's purse or lunch took a separate trip through an airport type luggage scanner AND before one reclaims one's personal stuff, the prison guards will run a wand all over your spread-eagled body. No accessing www on work computers unless you wanted to be hauled in and thoroughly questioned by management.

But, hey - lets just hand over full access to the inmates......because they are so much more reliable and trustworthy than the average RN and prison guard.......who thinks this stuff up?

"Our" prison was a Medium Security facility - mostly pedophiles and sex offenders. (an aside here: by the way, the most polite I/M I ever had was an American....he thought he had died and gone to heaven. Prisons in Canada are to be compared to a country club in than the prisons south of the border. He knew how lucky he was to be in the Canadian system....it was always "thank you ma'am, yes please, anytime ma'am" - of course I am aware that they all try and schmooze the ones that hold the key to the drug room....)

Most of these I/Ms you couldn't even trust to do our janitorial work in the Clinic without stealing stuff.   I can only imagine how much sensitive info could be gleaned, only to be used in an unsavory manner. Granted, there is the argument that these guys will be going out in the real world fairly soon (or not) and would need the on the job training in order to integrate into society. BUT - I doubt that any company outside prison would hire one of these goofs (NOTE: by the way- don't ever call an I/M a goof if you value your life. That is worse than ANY other name you could think up. Count yourself forewarned.) after release once their history is put out there. Too much of a risk. It is very much like telling the prison RNs at the prison I was employed at to work. It just ain't gonna happen.

A Few of the Viewed Behaviors of your Average Inmate that might look bad on their resume:

 DRUG SMUGGLING: suitcasing contraband (suitcasing=hiding in rectum) Families can also participate in the Visitors' Center in everything you can think of - or wouldn't think of - from Baby's Diapers to Vaginas.

STEALING: one of the RNs kept her loose tea in our break area - that organic looking stuff that looks vaguely like MJ-the I/M assigned to clean our clinic probably cut it in with the real stuff for increased product, therefore increased profits. Another item high on the list of "missing items" are dirty used syringes and needles that are fished out of the disposal bucket - and the way the setup is....one would really have to work at it to retrieve them....

MANIPULATION:  they all do it.  Or at least try it. Without exception.

LYING:  this goes without saying.  See "manipulation".

POSSESSION OF WEAPONS: making weapons of run of ordinary stuff - toothbrushes, utensils...things you would never dream you could transform into anything else. If it can be sharpened, cut, attached, woven, filed - it can be used as a weapon - on other I/Ms or staff...

ILLEGALLY DISTILLING ALCOHOL FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISTRIBUTION: brew making - any container will do-plastic bags,old cartons, pop bottles, toilets, sinks etc - who cares what was in it - or just add salt to the alcohol gel hand cleaner.....

POSSESSION OF PARAPHERNALIA: ...if you can't steal a dirty needle, then there are other ways to inject things....such as home made paraphernalia out of pens, wood....these guys can be very creative

UNSANITARY PERSONAL HABITS: Smearing sh*t in your open wounds so that you require ongoing nursing care and therefore - medication for pain....necessitating ENORMOUS amounts of methadone.

DISEASE MONGERING: Sharing tattoo needles after an expensive (not for the I/M of course) successful full course of treatment for Hep C - which by the way, you can get any number of times as a prisoner but as an average free citizen you can only get if your counts are so out of whack you may as well kiss your liver goodbye.

You can see what excellent models of good citizenship these guys are.

Thankfully I quit a month before the Big Riot.

Even more thankful that I quit before the other RNs drove me up the wall (with one exception - and YOU know who you are!! ). Sad situation where one can have more tolerance for a prisoner than a fellow RN.

I am just praying that when my bank or phone company answers my call.....I won't be speaking to a guy with a penchant for guns and knives - especially when he knows my address......