The Plastic Surgeon wasn't very reassuring when he let me know that he was new in town, didn't know how "the system" worked around here, and for sure I would have to be my own advocate.
I was transferred to the New Patient Intake desk.
She reassured me that I was "in the system" but my file was "on hold".
On Hold?????
When I asked why that would be, she explained - "Oh, Melanoma patients never usually come through here at all...they just have their surgery - get it cut out - and that's it. They don't usually need other treatment"
Somehow that wasn't very reassuring.
Now I am wondering why am I being referred to the Cancer Clinic when the norm is usually that we (Melanoma patients) aren't. Was my melanoma case worse than most?
The gal on the phone was nice enough to do a little digging.
She asked me what my MD had said, and I explained to her that he wanted the tumor mapped before he did the surgery. That the melanoma was invasive and the punch biopsy on the pathology report showed that the abnormal cells extended to the extreme edges of the sample so they are suspecting the "invasion" is deeper than what they know from the pathology report.
I was not embarrassed to play the R.N. card. "I am also an RN that works with cancer patients and Palliative care....and you can see where my mind is going with this at the moment...."
"Oh" the kind voice continued, "well, then....what I will do is phone the Plastic surgeon to make sure he faxes his dictation over right away, I will then forward your file immediately to the Triage Oncologist and get things going for you!"
I wish I could say I was relieved to hear this. The whole thing brought up more questions than answers - and the unfortunate thing about being a nurse is that you NEVER see the good side of cancer - never see the patients go home, get better, live on with their lives for 20 or so years.....
As a nurse, we only see the bad things that happen to people with cancer - the infections, the reoccurances, the pain, the suffering, unhappiness, the dying.....
When you survive cancer, you don't come anywhere into my world - and why would you even want to?
So, nurses, by default, have quite a skewed view of cancer to begin with.
The nice lady on the phone continued - "Now - it's Friday so I can't get much information today, but if you call back on Tuesday....even after 2 pm on Monday...I will have some information for you."
My thoughts clutched to any small thread of hope. "Thanks! So one minute after 2 pm on Monday it is!!"
We both laughed.
When I was little, I can remember the summers went on for freaking e-v-e-r. Time went so slow, the time between school years seemed like a year in itself. By some phenomenon, when you get older, time starts picking up speed - faster and faster. You know that comparison to a toilet paper roll - the closer to the end, the faster it goes? - It's no lie.
Right now, I am back in my childhood.
This summer is a lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong one already.
It can't go fast enough.
I want Winter to be HERE already.
4 comments:
Ah shit. I saw your comment on my blog and had to come and see what is going on with you. I am so sorry. You will be in my prayers and thoughts. And, I hope you heard something. Would that have been today, or, is that tomorrow. Fingers crossed here for some good news for you.
OMG!! I am glad your back and just about fell off the couch, when I saw you had commented. I had even gone to your post not long ago just to check. . . Must have been last month.However, I am sorry to hear your news. As you know from previous posts, I am no stranger to the BIG C!Never the less, when the diagnosis comes,I felt like a deer in the headlights!Then there are always the "well meaning" friends with no cancer etiquette!One gal told me I needed to make out a will, and then there was the sharkcartilage,green drink,the list is endless.
http://intheeventofanon-traditionallanding.blogspot.ca/2011/03/happy-birthday.html
I remember when I met with the oncologist and I told him that I don't smoke, drink, was a vegetarian and wasn't a slut. . . I think he mentioned that maybe I should start eating some red meat!?!?!? Course this was back in '95 when I thought my fatigue was from my toddler son.
One of the curses of being a RN is that you can't just sit around wondering what color of shoes to put on. . . you HAVE to network. This can be good and bad, cause of course you get more information to sift through and digest. . . When we have spent years caring for everyone but ourselves, it is difficult to ask for help, or just let ourselves be real. Tears clean the window of the soul and there will be those days. But now, I think that there is a lot more hope. In '95, I was told I had a life-ending-disease and maybe had 10 years. Now I attend a cancer symposium every year and am amazed at so many treatment options. Maybe there is not the magic bullet, but there are many combinations, etc. (when I get back to the states, I will check some of the info I saved from this source) Don't beat yourself up about delaying a diagnosis!! I had my lymphoma lumps for months before I remembered to show them to my NP. . . who was my BFF and I could have mentioned it any time.
I love this quote by Susan Sontag:
“Illness is the night side of life, a more onerous citizenship. Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick. Although we all prefer to use the good passport, sooner or later each of us is obliged, at least for a spell, to identify ourselves as citizens of that other place.”
So, CC! My advice is to HANG IN THERE and Remember, it is a day at a time.
KJF RN
Thanks Phiddy and Kevel88! Missed both of you too!
I will have lots of time to play catch up it seems...
and kevel88, thanks for your words of wisdom!!! I have read and re-read your comment above and you really make sense. I like that you commented because whenever I am not feeling as good, I can come back and re-read it as if it were freshly written! Hugs to you!!!
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