I'm Losing It

I honestly don't know how I can even function enough to write this.

I have totally lost any brains I thought I had.   Scrambled thoughts, confusion and very distracted to the point where I can't concentrate on the simplest things such as going to the fridge, getting the cream, putting it into my coffee.   Sounds simple, huh?  A million distractions pop up from point A to point B and I just can't filter things enough and I keep getting lost.

Not only am I losing my brains but I am losing all my stuff, too.

Couldn't find my cell phone....I turned the house upside down and finally left for an appointment yesterday morning without it - which panicked me to no end.

Unfortunately, because I was driving, I couldn't take an ativan to calm me down, so I had to suffer through the 3 1/2 hours sans med,  until I got home.

The entire appointment time  my brain obsessed continually  - where is that damn phone!!!

It would have been wonderful if I could have phoned it to find it via the ring tone, however  I distinctly remember turning it off  before putting it in whatever safe, obvious place I put it.

After working myself into a complete lather, and after two frantic phonecalls from our landline to my husband,  I discovered my cell phone in my binder with all my lab and pathology reports......right in the little cell phone pouch where I put it.

Sigh of relief.  What I really wanted to do was bang my head in frustration on the wall, but I needed every little neuron I had left - and assaulting myself wasn't going to do any good.

Next chore on the list, but with ativan on board:

I decided to walk the two blocks over to my hair appointment.  It was a beautiful, clear partially sunny day, just enough to warrant the sunscreen and floppy hat.

I have approximately 1/2 inch of roots and heaven knows how long it would be before I could have my hair done again so for some stupid vain reason, I made an appointment to see my hairdresser.   What I wasn't counting on was the downpour 2 hours later on the walk home. 

Lucky I wore the floppy hat, it really made a good umbrella.

But the trip to the hairdresser made me realize something else about myself.

I am getting extremely paranoid.  More than the usual.

I am worrying obsessively about being around people that are coughing or sniffling - and am even more paranoid about touching surfaces than usual...... 

I don't want to get sick before my surgery date.  You get sick, you don't get your surgery and I can't risk that.

I even have apprehensions  about going to the hospital for my pre-op workup - and not for the reason you might think.

Germs/bacteria run rampant in hospitals.

I will be staying 6 feet away from anyone that looks sick, I won't touch surfaces and I will definitely be keeping my hands away from my eyes, nose and mouth.

Hopefully I will make it to that dreaded surgery day - healthy.

We were supposed to be going camping this week :(